Y'all Thought I Wouldn't Post On My Birthday, Huh?

Ok, so today hasn't been half bad. At midnight I searched my room and found an old video that my high school friend Chris made of my late dad. It felt like he was in the room with me. For the first time I saw the cool of he and all our friends in myself. Either that or the beer was talking to me real heavily. Though I will say it was like looking at my own off-color history with a fresh set of eyes. I wasn't embarrassed like most people are when people want to look at scrapbooks. I was actually in awe of most parties in the project. Chris is still a proper, uptight putz though. Imagine Superbad's McLovin then remove his penchant for checking out the ladies. There you go. He's like the guy breaking records that Howard Stern's dad told off through the window in the childhood flashback scene of Private Parts. Same goofball expression on his face and everything. The Red Mist to my Kick-Ass.

Swiss cheese, anyone?

The jet pack scene from contemporary cult classic, Kick-Ass (2010.)
Video courtesy of:
Marv Films.
Plan B Entertainment.
Lionsgate.
All rights reserved.

Then I nodded off for a few hours and woke to find a birthday card from my Mom. That was very sweet, I thought. Then I got online. To say that all you readers have overwhelmed me with your kind words would be an understatement. Many, many people wished me well and for that, I am eternally grateful to you all. First my Mom, then you guys... and that was before I even walked out the door.
So I got out the door and had breakfast. Denny's does this offer where on your birthday they give you a free meal. The catch is, you build the meal yourself. I went for the grits and pancakes with eggs and sausage. It wasn't half bad with the blue soda I ordered.
Then I went to the store. Now when I say I went to the store, I mean I really went to the store. All in all, I spent on food more than what most do on lobster. Okay so maybe that's a slight exaggeration but still, it wasn't two tacos for 99 cents at Jack in the Box. Although there were plenty of girls to look at so you know already that I wasn't complainin'.
Finally, before coming home I stopped by the Blockbuster Video. Man, that place ain't doin' bad business for a place that's shutting down. I went in there and bought eight movies, a Springsteen cd and a KISS keychain for thirty dollars. Talk about a great deal! Anymore if you go buy a movie at Best Buy, just one of those flicks would cost you the same price brand new.
So now I'm home and lord knows what's coming next. I have no clue and its my birthday. All I do know is my hand is itching and I've been told that's a sign of good luck. Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll get lucky before the night is over!

Tre' Amore.
Roger and Jessica Rabbit.

Character image and likeness courtesy of Disney.
All rights reserved.

This Week Down.

If history has a way of repeating itself, this week was one for the books by the word coming full circle from years ago. In the 1990's Soviet Communism fell throughout eastern Europe. Last decade, Saddam Hussein died in Iraq and Cuba's Fidel Castro turned over power to his brother. This week, former President Mubarak of Egypt resigned. It feels good to say that: former president of Egypt. If you think I'm bad, that guy is downright foul! The people asked him to leave and the stubborn dude said he wouldn't seek reelection. The people started to protest, asking him to leave again. He said he'd turn over some power to his vice president but that he wouldn't leave office. The people began to riot, throwing their shoes like Mubarak's name was Dubya. President Obama even asked Mubarak to clarify what that meant. That's when he finally raised the white flag.
I hadn't seen this kinda country confusion since Russia. In summer 1991 Gorby's soviet strawberry birthmark was overthrown in a coup. He was replaced by Boris Yeltsin, the W.G. Fields of democratic Russia. By that December, the Soviet Union dissolved completely. That last incident made the head of Dubya's dad, former President George H.W. Bush, spin so bad that later he puked on the prime minister of Japan.

Just desserts. Dana Carvey as President George H.W. Bush on Santurday Night Live (1992.)

Video courtesy of:
Broadway Video.
SNL Studios.
Comcast.
NBC.
All rights reserved.

Time will only tell what's going to happen next. My prediction is that something will happen, followed by something else that leads to a third thing. Break a leg that they're all productive things happening for the working class which give upper-mobile people a real goosing. It ain't right we suffer for working hard while the lazier than thou collect anywhere from 13 to 30 dollar an hour paychecks pretending to patient but with ulterior motives.
Best friends.
Fisher Stevens and Johnny 5 in Short Circuit 2 (1988.)

Image courtesy of:
David Foster Productions.
TriStar Pictures.
Columbia TriStar Home Video.
All rights reserved.

The Thursday Doldrums.

Today is Thursday. Now, if I were still in a college town, it'd be what I like to call fraternity Friday. See, what that means is that everyone at the university schedules their classes Monday through Thursday. That way by Thursday night its the beginning of a three-day weekend. Until you get out of school though, that whole day is boring! On that day, you ain't never seen nothing sadder than a Chinese student riding his bike to class. When everyone else is whooping and hollering on their way off campus, he looks like he should be singin' a spiritual. If I carried a backpack bigger than I am, I'm sure I'd feel the same way! The only thing worse than that, is putting one of my teenage brothers in a monster truck. Poor Chinese dude's bike never saw it coming. What happened was my brother borrowed someone's truck and got caught up talking to my dad when they came to a crosswalk. This was way before pulling a hollywood stop became popular. Anyways, the Chinese dude had the right of way but almost became a pancake. Luckily he got out of the way but the bike wasn't so lucky. The thing looked like a crushed soda can. There wasn't even a tire left like Chris Rock had in Head of State. My dad started to cuss up a blue streak. He always said every expletive you can think of as one word. "Goddamncocksuckermotherfuckerpieceofdogshit." Try fitting all that on the back of an NFL jersey! So while he was saying that, my brother just looked out the window and casually shouted "sorry, dude!" He even waved a metal sign at the guy. My dad got out, examined the damage and told the guy he'd give him a free haircut at our family barbershop. Now maybe its just me, but I don't think one haircut could ever cover the price of a new bike. Also, I doubt hearing *that* made the Chinese guy stop and dance the funky chicken.

Shoot, theirs ain't the only daddy that could swear!

The legendary Soul Train line dance.
Video courtesy of:
Don Cornelius Productions
Tribune Entertainment
Trifecta Entertainment
All rights reserved.

So ok, the day could be happening. In the afternoon. At night though was when all the fun really got started. First, my brother picked me up from school in that mean machine and all the other kids were blown away. We even had them goin' thinkin' it was ours to keep. At least one little girl slipped me her phone number. Then we got home and all our cousins were already half-stoned playing hacky sack with my brother's rocker friends waiting for us to show up. The rockers were having too much fun growling like Wolfmen scaring all the neighbor kids. It would've been funnier still if it weren't their own cousins from down the street. One kid ran inside, called for his mom and my brother's friend's aunt pulled the teen inside by the ear.
My brother and I looked at each other like a pair of excited little rascals, exclaiming in tandem "oh shit!" We tried listening at the door what was going on but that same bratty cousin turned the hose on us. Then we took off behind a bush and that kid got *himself* scolded. Still rubbing his ear, the teen wolf climbed out a window to meet us. Then all three of us chuckled. The rest of bro's friends snuck up behind to scare us but that nearly got everyone caught! So we ran into my Grandparents' house laughing. They to the back bedroom, me to my toys. Homework could wait.


Same room my swearing daddy had before me. His high school drumsticks even sat in the closet.

"In My Room" by The Beach Boys (1963.)
Music courtesy of Capitol Records. All rights reserved.

Thinking back, maybe Thursdays weren't that bad. I mean this all happened before that night's new episode of The Cosby Show! I had people around who loved me, obviously. I got to witness real-life comedy in the suburbs. It seems like life was good for everybody. Except that poor guy without a bicycle.

If we only had a clue. Movie poster for Airheads. (1994.)

Image courtesy of:
Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation.
Island World.
Robert Simonds Productions.

Waking Up on Wednesday.

So today is hump day. The middle of the week. People all over are already mulling over their weekend plans. Me, I always do the same thing: Have beers, watch WWE Smackdown and talk to all the pretty ladies online that I can find! Hey, it cheaper than going out! Plus, I don't have to spend any money. On a good night, you never know who might appear. It helps that I know alot of females already.
I know white girls, black girls, Asian girls, Latina girls. I know Jewish girls, British girls, German girls, Russian girls, girls from Australia and Indian girls. Heck I even know a few that seem like they just dropped in from outer space! I know Women and they all love me. Shoot, I can't help it!
See, the thing is to know yourself. My dad was a bald, pudgy white dude but still he could make any lady laugh. He told the crudest jokes imaginable but people still cracked up. He knew how to hold back and laugh at himself because "acting like a bad-ass was too easy." Plus, this way he stayed out of trouble.
My mom was crazy jealous. Anytime my Dad just looked at another Woman, she jumped down his throat. "Who was that? What did she want?" I think she scared rattlesnakes. My dad had learned how to say alot by doing nothing. So did Hogan's Heroes.


Ok, so if Schultz knows nothing and Col. Klink pumps him for info, how little does Klink know?

Bob Crane and John Banner on TV's Hogan's Heroes.
Video courtesy of:
Bing Crosby Productions.
Bob Crane Enterprises (1970-1971.)
Columbia Broadcasting System (CBS.)
Viacom.

Me, I just keep a low profile. When Women ask who I've been talking to, I make the best effort at telling them what they need to know. "That's just..." insert name here. Then they're like "and who is...?" So I tell them "oh I know them online. They're cool with..." which is true because on Facebook you can see whose all mutual friends with each other. Hey, I might be bad but at least I'm honest. Vaguely.
I never see ladies be honest with the credit card bill. The moment any man asks what a new outfit is for, I know a dozen dames that got two dozen answers. Men aren't the only ones with a quick wit. Women lie to themselves too and for it go self-indulge on hot fudge sundaes. Guess who later has to say "no" when they ask "do these clothes make me look fat?"
I know what's coming. By Sunday, something I've said between now and then will land me in the doghouse. It never fails. Men and Women can come from anywhere but some things are just universal. By which I don't mean the major studio merged with NBC network that Comcast just bought. Men are honest with brutality, Women are honest with sensitivity.
See, if a man is sensitive he's labeled as either gay or an 80's rock star. If a woman is brutal she's branded either lesbian or a "ball-busting bitch." People just can't be nice to each other. If they were, it'd probably be boring as life in the 1990's. Or like life before the internet had pictures in color and Youtube.

Dancing around to the beat of the subject. Movie poster for Flashdance. (1983.)

Image courtesy of:
Paramount Pictures.
PolyGram Filmed Entertainment.

On A Great Day, Good Things Tend To Happen.

Today was awesome. The restaurant I went to had cinnamon rolls. You know I had to order one. The waitress even buttered it for me. Then I went and got my hair cut. The stylist layered it and brought the length up to my shoulders so it drapes like a cape. I felt good! My Mom even got her hair done. It looks funny. In a good way.
I made the cashier at the supermarket smile saying that. She called it a good save.
Then I got lunch. Two McDonald's Cheeseburgers, Fries and Strawberry Shake. Let me tell you peoples, I don't know what it is but I think Gov. Jerry Brown is hooking people up all over. The food tastes better these days. The birds are chirping and people's attitudes are more down to earth. Life is stellar. I bet if there are aliens in space, they're probably harmonizing some kinda E.T. doo-wop.

Double-edged sword, ain't it?

"Two Kinds of Love" by Frank Stallone from the original movie soundtrack to "Rocky II" (1979.)
Music courtesy of Capitol Records. All rights reserved.

I'm telling you it just feels good to be an American. Heck at the going rate, its only a matter of time before I get found. Once I'm successful, when it does happen, I'm gonna be good to people. Yes sir, give me a break and I'll make you a fortune. Then whatever I get for it, it'll all go to something good. You wait and see. If I had any debts I'd clear up my name. Then I'd help my Mama out. She's always been good to me. I'll pay back my Grandma or relatives she's borrowed from. Pay off the husbands. Get my Step-Grandfather and all My Aunt's husbands something real nice so that there ain't no henpecking going on my way. Even my brothers' dad. Put everyone in check to back off. Then learn what she owes where or whom all owe her. That way, who can say something? My Mom's brother already owes me an arm and a leg knowing I could've charged him like movers do to pack up his whole apartment. He ain't alone.


You know what you gotta do. If I gotta be good, so do you!

"Bad Boys" by Inner Circle. Music courtesy of Island Records. All rights reserved.

Then I start in on what's owed me. Take into account everything broken I can assess financially and replace so as to increase my luck for Chinese New Years. Trust me when I say there's alot. All I want is my fair shake. Over twenty years ago, I was the one who went with my Mom to find us a nice apartment in a great part of our old city. Not my brothers, me. Then not even six mos. later, the night I learned my team was going to the little league championships, I also learned that in nine mos. I'd be an uncle. Welcome to premature puberty, Johnny! Add to it, I go to my Grandparents' house and suddenly my toys begin missing. When my Grandma was battling cancer! Relatives thinking my belongings belong to their kids or "borrowing" them for little cousins to play with, remembering to leave stuff that ain't mine there like pack rats do. Ten cents on the dollar. Take a box of mine and leave a toy of theirs. I never said nothin' then, did I? In case you're wondering, right now I'm adding up the collector's value and accrued interest in my head. Then there's good moneymaking ideas my dad ran by me that others sit high on the hog after running off with. The entire nineties was divided and conquered for themselves. I was the substance but the image reflected something else. I have to say, if his clientele were willing to buy him a barber shop then they should all be more than be willing to give me a greater stake in the claim. Especially knowing what I was always reading about or looking into for people. My dad said if you want to know what's good, ask a kid. My brothers, our customers and cousins didn't just exploit that, they raped it. I'd say to everyone we know: "you tell me what my family and our peoples did on your side, I'll tell everyone else from my side of the fence that owe my whole family one. For better or worse. Knock on wood, *knocks on wood*, for saying all this. Yeah. Just cut the racket and give me what's mine by right. I've paid my dues over eight years online chatting up girl friends of friends and already had paid my dues in person for over ten years, with other guys, before then. In the words of an almighty late friend: 'pay me.'" Then I'd be all tellin' em "it don't matter if you're GOP or pro-democracy. I have what it takes, I've shown it and did my bit by taking all y'all's shit." I don't forget, y'all. You think I walked away. Shit, I was just bidin' my time. ;) Like I said, today is a great day! Here's hoping tomorrow will be even better!

German movie poster for Garfield 2: A Tale of Two Kitties. (2006.)

Image courtesy of:
Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation.
Davis Entertainment.
Dune Entertainment.
Ingenious Film Partners.
Major Studio Partners.
All rights reserved.

Clarity and all that Good Stuff.

Its hard to be clear when people already know alot about you. Especially friends and family. They know about tangents of you that relate to their own experience. Sometimes though, there's a bit of yourself that people either 1.) said they aren't familiar with directly or 2.) have considerately offered that they went through something vaguely similar to but may not have told you all about it. Whatever the situation, all I know is its better to be honest and get your opinion out there. If I didn't, then white people might tell you I'm a Justin Bieber or Jack Black. That's Women speaking. In reality amongst other Men I've always been more like Ralph Macchio's Karate Kid or a west coast, latino version of a younger Chris Rock. At the very least, like his white best friend Greg. Oddly dressed.
When I was in high school, people just thought I was crazy. I dressed wild and acted weird. So did my friends. Once a pal visited from Sacramento dressed like the lead singer of The Cure. Another time I wore a striped hat like something from Dr. Seuss to a school dance. With my face painted like Alice Cooper. Before you even ask, no it wasn't for Halloween. The consensus of my fringe loving friends was that pretty people were placing labels and we didn't like being labeled. If you said I was a freak, I would show you what a freak acts like. Chances are, you may even laugh! Nobody can hate a guy whose bagging on himself.
What your parents don't know is better for us!

Music video for "Round and Round" by Ratt (1984.)
Video courtesy of Atlantic Records. All rights reserved.

Surprisingly, the school faculty for the most part appreciated me. Girls too! I guess it was refreshing for them to see a guy unafraid of seeming freaky or outrageous. Maybe it was also because I saw some of the teachers downtown laughing and having drinks with my dad's friends. The bands we kids liked were ones those adults all played on the jukebox. Songs that often scared off nosy, paranoid cops somehow.
Earlier I scared off our high school quarterback, a cop's kid, and his familiars just being myself. That and by beating all of them at Street Fighter II in a pizza joint but that's another story. Lets just say that the whole time I was sitting down yawning. I didn't even get angry until someone spilled my soda. Then a skinny roadie looking dude with smelly armpits distracted me while they all ran out the door. After it was over and mr. unsure left the lady working the counter just smiled, giggled and gave me a new soda for free. Too bad I was only in Jr. High or I would've asked for her phone number.
To summarize, I don't talk about me to explain myself. I do it preemptively to cover my ass. If something is gonna mess up then it won't be because of me. I'm there for you. Even when things appear as though I'm not cool with it looking like I am.
Hey, even brains take a break sometimes. B)-~~~

Matt Damon and Minnie Driver in Good Will Hunting. (1997.)
Image courtesy of:
Be Gentlemen Limited Partnership.
Lawrence Bender Productions.
Miramax Films.
All rights reserved.

Playing Nice.

Have you ever had people walk on eggshells around you? Yeah, me too. I just want to throw a pie in those people's faces or do a cannonball into a pool right where they're sunbathing at. Something to get them out of themselves. I'm not such a bad guy. Until you're catty behind my back. Laughing is one thing if you're just being punks to each other but when people start in with pissing contests about who can talk to girls and what not, that's when I pull rank.
You see, girls like me. Not always sexually but that happens too. No, I'm the guy girls trust to give the advice they wish male role models would. I'm like Father Knows Best without the business suit or office job. Same as my Grandfather was except he did dress up and work in an office part-time when I was a child. Guys that feel the need to have something to prove find me not just a threat in that role model regard. Many also envy that I can see normally what all they didn't quite consider. Particularly because often they have been conditioned to think my mentality was "not cool" by all the other guys they show off for.



Girls love smart guys. All they learn from each other are ingenious tips about how to do something differently. Well, that's when I tell skirts that I'm all different baby! Stick with me and everyday is a new adventure. Just ask all my friends!
Guys shouldn't be embarrassed by what all makes them who they are. If they're not embarrassed of me, why be embarrassed by what I like? Chances are, we learned it was cool together at some point. Ladies love someone that's willing to take a chance. Someone like me, for example. Knowing that something is cool together makes anything more intimate. It's what gets ya laid, pal!

Mike Meyers and Heather Graham in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. (1999.)
Image courtesy of New Line Cinema.